Ramblings, things that are interesting or puzzlements to me....What makes a tornado decide to demolish one house and not another? I've been watching the videos of all the recent tornados and I just get to wondering about things like that.
Why do paper cuts hurt so badly?? I mean, it's not like you had major surgery or anything..but a paper cut can hurt for days..why??? And speaking of major surgery...I just had one...man did that hurt...but just give me some drugs and I'm good!
Why does it seem that the more I want to do, the less I get done?? Before I had my surgery, I had planned to get the spare bath painted and the house all cleaned...but when it came down to it, I didn't get the painting done, I didn't get the master bath cleaned and I didn't get the carpet cleaned that I had planned to do. Why can't I get caught up on the 'list'???? Of course, now I have a reason, but before that, I just don't get it.
I watched a show today where a couple had 2 little boys and were about to have another baby,this time a girl. Makes me remember how I wanted to try for a girl, just one more baby....but how the country doc I had and all the family I had told me "no more babies" and I went with it and had a tubal...at 20! How I wish I would have held strong to 'my inner voice' and just had a 3rd, I'm sure I could have had that girl...and if not, I'd still have had another son to add to the crazy life we've had!
"If I had only listened to my inner voice"...we should remember that...listen to what you need, listen to what The Spirit is telling you and you can never go wrong. It's when we allow others to influence what you do and think, that you are not being true to you. God knows your heart, God knows what's right for you and if you listen to that small, still voice, you can't go wrong. But I've been told to 'be this way', 'don't do this', 'do this instead' and I've not been true to me. I've been hurt deeply by those that try to impose their ideas on me and I've been learning to stand up for myself. One time that I took a stand, it was the right thing to do for me. I said to myself, you are not going to be bullied this time. And since I took that stand, I feel better about myself. Bullies can make you bend over backwards to please them, but I said, no more. And the less contact I have with them, the more I feel freed from their constant manipulation and negativity.
When you look back and realize your life could have been different if you hadn't listened to other people's ideas of who you should be, you become a bit jaded about listening to other's opinions. I could have had that daughter that I wanted so badly. Listen to your inner voice. And if it tells you that you need to change things in your life to be what God wants or what is right for you, change it. Don't go to extremes like I did and have a tubal when the answer could be, just wait.
I guess I'm having one of those hormonal surges that they say happens after a hysterectomy, but I am learning so much about what God has for me and what others can't be for me. And I'm learning how to let go of dreams I've carried for so long of things that won't ever be, can't ever be. It's very hard to realize that what you had thought life was going to turn out to be, won't ever be. Things about family, extended family, about relationships, about the future. I have what I have, God gave me what He gave me, and I have to let go of the pipe dreams that I thought my life would be.
Well, these have been the ramblings of a hormonal crazy person with 3 cats and a husband! Thanks for letting me ramble. :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
A guilty mom
Well here it is 9:00 and it feels like 2 in the morning. But here we all are, Charlie next to Gary who is reading his cell phone for some light entertainment. Then there's Tinker and Sassy who are sitting with me on the love seat slumbering away in their kitty comas. The TV is rattling on about who knows what as I sit here and contemplate several things that I've been rolling over and over in my brain.
The first was such an amazing revelation for me...it happened a couple of Sundays ago as we were singing at the end of our worship time at church. We were singing this lovely praise song (which I don't know the name of) and one phrase in the song went something like this: Everything in your life is the way it's supposed to be and we should rest in the knowledge that we are where we should be. That one little phrase jolted me in a very powerful way. Now in my head, I know that God is in control (Twila Paris song). But in my heart I have grieved for so long about so many things, decisions made, relationships that aren't what I wanted, etc.
I have always said that I wished I could take back decisions I made. Who among us haven't thought that? I would give everything I have in order to take back 2 decisions I made so long ago...one was when I told my youngest son that he could go play after supper one September day that ended with him getting hit by a car...and our lives were never the same. Another decision made, allowing our older son to go to youth camp in Colorado one July week, which resulted in a broken back and back pain for the rest of his life. Another decision that caused our lives to never be the same.
But in a small song sung at the end of a worship service, I saw that the decisions I made were all in God's plan. The pain, the trauma of the months of surgeries for our youngest was part of God's design. The complete devastation of our world when our oldest broke his back was also in God's plan. All this time, I have felt guilty and was convinced that if only I had made different choices, things would have worked out correctly.
In my perfect world, I saw what I wanted and not God's design. I saw my youngest son's life in the way I thought it should have been. I saw our oldest's life filled with a different outcome than it became after his injury. I saw the soul of our family the way it should have been in MY head, but God saw it the way it was actually supposed to be, warts and all.
That one small song caused me to see that God has a design for our lives, even though we have a different version in our heads. My version was a perfect version according to me...God's version is a perfect version according to HIM. What a burden was lifted in that epiphany. I have carried such guilt...I should have made better decisions for my sons, etc. But in that little song, God showed me that I made the decisions that were right in the circumstances. How awesome is our God...to relieve a mother of her burdens.
The cats and I are now going to bed! I'll share another revelation soon. lol =)
The first was such an amazing revelation for me...it happened a couple of Sundays ago as we were singing at the end of our worship time at church. We were singing this lovely praise song (which I don't know the name of) and one phrase in the song went something like this: Everything in your life is the way it's supposed to be and we should rest in the knowledge that we are where we should be. That one little phrase jolted me in a very powerful way. Now in my head, I know that God is in control (Twila Paris song). But in my heart I have grieved for so long about so many things, decisions made, relationships that aren't what I wanted, etc.
I have always said that I wished I could take back decisions I made. Who among us haven't thought that? I would give everything I have in order to take back 2 decisions I made so long ago...one was when I told my youngest son that he could go play after supper one September day that ended with him getting hit by a car...and our lives were never the same. Another decision made, allowing our older son to go to youth camp in Colorado one July week, which resulted in a broken back and back pain for the rest of his life. Another decision that caused our lives to never be the same.
But in a small song sung at the end of a worship service, I saw that the decisions I made were all in God's plan. The pain, the trauma of the months of surgeries for our youngest was part of God's design. The complete devastation of our world when our oldest broke his back was also in God's plan. All this time, I have felt guilty and was convinced that if only I had made different choices, things would have worked out correctly.
In my perfect world, I saw what I wanted and not God's design. I saw my youngest son's life in the way I thought it should have been. I saw our oldest's life filled with a different outcome than it became after his injury. I saw the soul of our family the way it should have been in MY head, but God saw it the way it was actually supposed to be, warts and all.
That one small song caused me to see that God has a design for our lives, even though we have a different version in our heads. My version was a perfect version according to me...God's version is a perfect version according to HIM. What a burden was lifted in that epiphany. I have carried such guilt...I should have made better decisions for my sons, etc. But in that little song, God showed me that I made the decisions that were right in the circumstances. How awesome is our God...to relieve a mother of her burdens.
The cats and I are now going to bed! I'll share another revelation soon. lol =)
Sunday, February 20, 2011
This will be my first post!
Well, I'm hoping this actually works...I've been setting up the page and designing it but haven't actually blogged anything!
So, today is Sunday, the first day of the week, the Lord's day. I thought today would be a great day to start this adventure. I'm hoping thru this endeaver, God might speak to me and help me make sense of my crazy world. A world that revolves around "3 cats and a Husband!"
At church today, Matt preached on Habakkuk 2:4...which led us to other passages, of course. Habakkuk, tho, spoke of 'the proud' and 'the righteous'. The proud get puffed up with their own righteousness, whereas the righteous are puffed up by Jesus, they know their only righteousness is in Jesus, not by their own efforts.
As I search my heart, pride in my righteousness isn't really an issue for me...I totally know that I am 'unrighteous' on my own, only thru the blood of Jesus am I able to have a right standing with God.
However, this is where I fall short...I know people who get puffed up about EVERYTHING in their lives...from what they drive to 'what they do for the Lord'. That's where I fall...I tend to see them being fake about their walk and want to smack them. lol That's when I tend to dismiss them as 'fakers'. I know God doesn't dismiss them, but I think that God also doesn't expect us to accept their behavior either.
Gee I didn't mean for my first blog to be so 'churchy' but that was what was on my mind today, so I blogged it! Whenever I actually blog again, I hope to share bits of my life, etc...like how much I love my 3 cats and husband! :)
So, today is Sunday, the first day of the week, the Lord's day. I thought today would be a great day to start this adventure. I'm hoping thru this endeaver, God might speak to me and help me make sense of my crazy world. A world that revolves around "3 cats and a Husband!"
At church today, Matt preached on Habakkuk 2:4...which led us to other passages, of course. Habakkuk, tho, spoke of 'the proud' and 'the righteous'. The proud get puffed up with their own righteousness, whereas the righteous are puffed up by Jesus, they know their only righteousness is in Jesus, not by their own efforts.
As I search my heart, pride in my righteousness isn't really an issue for me...I totally know that I am 'unrighteous' on my own, only thru the blood of Jesus am I able to have a right standing with God.
However, this is where I fall short...I know people who get puffed up about EVERYTHING in their lives...from what they drive to 'what they do for the Lord'. That's where I fall...I tend to see them being fake about their walk and want to smack them. lol That's when I tend to dismiss them as 'fakers'. I know God doesn't dismiss them, but I think that God also doesn't expect us to accept their behavior either.
Gee I didn't mean for my first blog to be so 'churchy' but that was what was on my mind today, so I blogged it! Whenever I actually blog again, I hope to share bits of my life, etc...like how much I love my 3 cats and husband! :)
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