Well here it is 9:00 and it feels like 2 in the morning. But here we all are, Charlie next to Gary who is reading his cell phone for some light entertainment. Then there's Tinker and Sassy who are sitting with me on the love seat slumbering away in their kitty comas. The TV is rattling on about who knows what as I sit here and contemplate several things that I've been rolling over and over in my brain.
The first was such an amazing revelation for me...it happened a couple of Sundays ago as we were singing at the end of our worship time at church. We were singing this lovely praise song (which I don't know the name of) and one phrase in the song went something like this: Everything in your life is the way it's supposed to be and we should rest in the knowledge that we are where we should be. That one little phrase jolted me in a very powerful way. Now in my head, I know that God is in control (Twila Paris song). But in my heart I have grieved for so long about so many things, decisions made, relationships that aren't what I wanted, etc.
I have always said that I wished I could take back decisions I made. Who among us haven't thought that? I would give everything I have in order to take back 2 decisions I made so long ago...one was when I told my youngest son that he could go play after supper one September day that ended with him getting hit by a car...and our lives were never the same. Another decision made, allowing our older son to go to youth camp in Colorado one July week, which resulted in a broken back and back pain for the rest of his life. Another decision that caused our lives to never be the same.
But in a small song sung at the end of a worship service, I saw that the decisions I made were all in God's plan. The pain, the trauma of the months of surgeries for our youngest was part of God's design. The complete devastation of our world when our oldest broke his back was also in God's plan. All this time, I have felt guilty and was convinced that if only I had made different choices, things would have worked out correctly.
In my perfect world, I saw what I wanted and not God's design. I saw my youngest son's life in the way I thought it should have been. I saw our oldest's life filled with a different outcome than it became after his injury. I saw the soul of our family the way it should have been in MY head, but God saw it the way it was actually supposed to be, warts and all.
That one small song caused me to see that God has a design for our lives, even though we have a different version in our heads. My version was a perfect version according to me...God's version is a perfect version according to HIM. What a burden was lifted in that epiphany. I have carried such guilt...I should have made better decisions for my sons, etc. But in that little song, God showed me that I made the decisions that were right in the circumstances. How awesome is our God...to relieve a mother of her burdens.
The cats and I are now going to bed! I'll share another revelation soon. lol =)
